Years ago I met this man and we hit it off right away. We would talk for hours and never get bored. We grew to be really good friends and were going to take it to that next level. Than one day over the course of a week, he started to shy away from me. He had excuses and I knew that's what they were. We made plans to hang out one day and he seemed distant from me. I finally got him to talk and he confessed he met someone and it was crazy chemistry with her. He felt bad for me because he really did like me, just that his connection to this other woman was much stronger. I was initially upset but he was being honest about it. I appreciated his honestly rather than just string me along or just ignore me and never explain why. Then he said the words that would forever remain with me - It is what it is. I later would translate that to the heart wants what the heart wants. If two people are meant to be together, nothing can stop them, eventually they will find a way together. I always remembered that lesson and it made it easier to let go of someone when it didn't work.
My son's father use to tell me in our relationship that I misrepresented myself once we got involved, I never quite understood what he meant at the time. I came to understand he was referring to the wall I had up during the courting period and probably much of our relationship. This was a huge challenge for me and it took a very special person to see me through this challenge.
This person comes into my life and we hit it off - in fact the story is very similar to the first story I told - great conversation, becoming good friends, etc. This one also ends with him choosing another woman, but again - its okay because if we were meant to be together, nothing in the world would have stopped us from being together. I truly believe that. I know there is nothing wrong with me so I don't try to dwell on why it didn't work just that it didn't and it is what it is (see how the previous experience helped me with this experience). So what did I learn from this man? As I mentioned, I would be afraid to be the real me with men and held back much of my heart. I was afraid of getting hurt so my heart was closed off, hiding behind my feminine wiles instead giving the illusion of an open heart. I was beginning to wonder myself if I even knew how to love. I couldn't open my heart to anyone and started to think I wasn't capable. I was so used to a closed heart, that I think I just came to expect it and didn't bother to open up. But than this man came along and I soon discovered I couldn't fight it. I started to notice that I would be myself with him more than any other. I tried to fight that but than realized I couldn't and I just let it go. He saw me in a way no one had ever seen me before and he didn't run scared and actually liked it. But than due to circumstances beyond our control, we talked and realized it was not going to be so we ended it before it ever started. It was hard for me at first but than I came to be grateful for the experience. I was so happy that I was able to see for myself that I could open my heart. It wasn't that I wasn't capable, it was that I just hadn't found the right person to allow it to fully open and really let go. This experience gave me a renewed faith in love and knowing that when my soulmate does finally appear, my heart will be fully open and ready to receive his love.
These stories I share may seem sad but in reality they are a blessing in disguise. If things didn't work out with someone, think about what you learned about yourself in your encounter. Had I not had this experience I may still be operating under the assumption my heart can never open and sending out that signal to the universe would repel potential mates. Each experience fed into the other as I learned something new, it helped me with the next one which had its own lessons for me.
Suddenly being open I am finding I am dating again - as the real me - the flawed sometimes silly real me. I didn't realize how much easier it is. I am more vulnerable now but ironically through my vulnerability I am less stressed and less concerned when I don't connect with others. Because I knew real me is perfect just the way I am. When I had to hide behind a mask, I worried why people didn't like me because subconsciously knowing it was a mask I wanted to know what was wrong with it so I can adjust it. Too much work having to maintain it. Its easier to just be yourself and not care who doesn't like it. You be yourself and be happy. I know I will have more to learn, maybe even more relationships that don't quite work out. What I have experienced so far has armed me with what I need to survive. I know eventually I will have my soulmate.
My mother always told me, "If not this one, someone better." That is not to set a value on one person is better than another but rather one person is better FOR YOU than another. They are still fine just the way they are. The fact a couple of amazing men were not for me gives me a sense of excitement that the one who is meant for me will be even more amazing for me. Just as they are the most amazing person for someone else. Each relationship that doesn't happen just brings me that much closer to the one that will. If not this one, someone better. :)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
My Weekend Away with Myself and Yoga
This weekend I attended a yoga retreat in Ojai, CA for the 4th year in a row. Its become a tradition and am willing to sacrifice other wants in order to attend. This year, I had a feeling that this weekend would be different. I was going to go and give it my all, not hold back. In previous years, I would hold back and sometimes just go about the motions, but this time, there was no fear, no one else, just me.
The Yoga
In case you're wondering what a yoga retreat is, we do yoga. :) This particular one is led by Steve Ross of Maha Yoga in Santa Monica, CA and from the show Inhale on Oxygen network. We arrive Friday at 3pm and have our first intense yoga session that evening. The next one is Saturday morning, another that afternoon, and the final session Sunday morning. By Sunday, my body is ready to just give out - but never give up. I continued to push myself to the limits, to the point I felt like throwing up and than I dared my body to vomit - pushing myself harder and harder. I never did throw up but I did get further beyond my comfort zone. I learned that feeling of nauseousness was not a signal to stop but rather my body's way of marking my limit, now push just a bit passed that point. It's important to know that point so you don't push yourself to passing out which is counterproductive. By Sunday, I was pleasantly impressed with my progress. The exhaustion I felt on that final day I wore like a badge. Even while doing the yoga, there is a pose called warrior pose (actually two - warrior 1 and warrior 2) and as I held my arms out, I held my head high, like a warrior. If I felt like giving up, I just kept repeating to myself, "So long as I have my breathe, I am alive."
Chanting
Friday evening we chant. This is where I let myself go a little more each year. The first year, I didn't really sing from my heart but as I came to understand the deeper spiritual meaning of chanting, I started to sing a bit more until this year, I let myself go so far that I actually got up to dance (something I have never done with chanting). What's funny about that is that those who know me well, know I LOVE to dance so the fact I was too scared to dance may seem unbelievable but it had more to do with the purpose of the dance. Dancing and chanting for/to the Gods. I felt the stakes were higher and I didn't want to mess up. When I dance for fun, its not in a form that is suitable for the Gods, unless I call it a fertility ritual. ;) So for me to just allow my body to move without wanting to be sexy was a challenge for me. But it was all about letting go and suddenly started to understand and appreciate people who will give it their all dancing even when they can't really dance. I won't laugh at them anymore because, they are much more brave than me. They don't have to have knowledge of any form of dance to just let their bodies go in whatever direction they are feeling - no matter how silly it may look, they don't care. I became that person while when chanted. I let my body go in whatever direction it wanted.
Holotropic Breathing
This is something we do on the Saturday before our afternoon yoga. This is also something else I needed to really give myself to as my first time I didn't feel it at all. Google it to get the specifics but very basically it looks like hyperventilating but its controlled. We breathe in and out non stop and deep. We get to a point where we can coast and it starts to take on effects similar to hallucinogenic drugs, but without the dangers. I was getting visions while in this state, I won't get into specifics as its personal to me, but by the end of the hour of this practice, I sat still and cried. It was not a bad cry, it was a detoxing cry that needed to happen. Who says crying is bad anyway, we all need a good cry occasionally. I cried because I saw truth in my visions, things I had always known but refused to acknowledge. It didn't seem so scary anymore.
Facing Fears
We also get a couple hours free on Saturday to lounge by the pool as so many choose to do after beating our bodies senseless with yoga last couple days. I always consider hiking but was always scared because the first year someone told me they saw a rattlesnake on the trail. So I avoided the trail. Just to be honest, I have been to this estate before for a different retreat in the fall and I did hike this trail than because I was told no snakes are out when its cold. So I did know the trail and knew there were parts that were very narrow and snakes could be lurking beneath the rocks or in the grass. To say I was scared is an understatement, I was frightened. So I went through it in my head, what is my worst case scenario? Getting bitten or struck by a snake, than I would have to wobble my ass back to the house for the snake bite kit. Okay, cool, I can handle that. But I was still scared yet I did it anyway. Any little sound made me jump, I would pause near holes to make sure nothing came out of it, ran passed some sections that seemed questionable. By the time I made it to the end, I felt good! I outsmarted the snakes! Feeling indestructible now, there was a cliff from the last hike that I remember being so scared to climb due to my fear of heights and the danger it posed of falling off. I wanted to try it again this year. Again, I was frightened as I made my way up the trail along the side of the cliff that carefully wove its way to the top. I literally had to climb with my hands and feet as I got closer to the top. I didn't look up and I didn't look down, I just looked where I was at the moment and got through that. My legs were on fire and I wasn't sure I was going to make it, I could hardly breathe, but I didn't stop. As long as I have breathe, I have life. So I pushed myself through it and eventually made it to the top. The hard work was done but now the reality of where I was hit me and my heart raced faster as I noticed how high up I was staring down at certain death were I to fall. I inched myself close to the edge as all these thoughts raced through my head "what if a bird swoops by and scares me off the cliff. what if..." so I remembered my breathing and put a stop to those paralyzing thoughts. I made it to the edge and looked down, the fear that started in my heart had spread to my legs and other parts of my body. But I pushed passed it, got my look and backed away. Once I was satisfied I had faced my fear, I made my way back down. Only to take hit the trails with threat of a snake, but by now the fear just became a feeling that was background noise to my conviction.
All this in my one weekend of yoga. Yoga is not just a workout, its a lifestyle - a spiritual practice. So much more than what I can cover in this blog as I am still learning about it myself. It is a practice I have committed myself to and expect to continue to learn for the rest of my life. I didn't cover meditation specifically because truth is while I had dedicated times of sitting in meditation, the whole weekend was a practice in meditation as I performed each activity from Friday to Sunday with intention and in the moment.
Remember, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised, all we have is the present - right now, this moment right here.
I thank you for sharing in my adventure. Namaste.
The Yoga
In case you're wondering what a yoga retreat is, we do yoga. :) This particular one is led by Steve Ross of Maha Yoga in Santa Monica, CA and from the show Inhale on Oxygen network. We arrive Friday at 3pm and have our first intense yoga session that evening. The next one is Saturday morning, another that afternoon, and the final session Sunday morning. By Sunday, my body is ready to just give out - but never give up. I continued to push myself to the limits, to the point I felt like throwing up and than I dared my body to vomit - pushing myself harder and harder. I never did throw up but I did get further beyond my comfort zone. I learned that feeling of nauseousness was not a signal to stop but rather my body's way of marking my limit, now push just a bit passed that point. It's important to know that point so you don't push yourself to passing out which is counterproductive. By Sunday, I was pleasantly impressed with my progress. The exhaustion I felt on that final day I wore like a badge. Even while doing the yoga, there is a pose called warrior pose (actually two - warrior 1 and warrior 2) and as I held my arms out, I held my head high, like a warrior. If I felt like giving up, I just kept repeating to myself, "So long as I have my breathe, I am alive."
Chanting
Friday evening we chant. This is where I let myself go a little more each year. The first year, I didn't really sing from my heart but as I came to understand the deeper spiritual meaning of chanting, I started to sing a bit more until this year, I let myself go so far that I actually got up to dance (something I have never done with chanting). What's funny about that is that those who know me well, know I LOVE to dance so the fact I was too scared to dance may seem unbelievable but it had more to do with the purpose of the dance. Dancing and chanting for/to the Gods. I felt the stakes were higher and I didn't want to mess up. When I dance for fun, its not in a form that is suitable for the Gods, unless I call it a fertility ritual. ;) So for me to just allow my body to move without wanting to be sexy was a challenge for me. But it was all about letting go and suddenly started to understand and appreciate people who will give it their all dancing even when they can't really dance. I won't laugh at them anymore because, they are much more brave than me. They don't have to have knowledge of any form of dance to just let their bodies go in whatever direction they are feeling - no matter how silly it may look, they don't care. I became that person while when chanted. I let my body go in whatever direction it wanted.
Holotropic Breathing
This is something we do on the Saturday before our afternoon yoga. This is also something else I needed to really give myself to as my first time I didn't feel it at all. Google it to get the specifics but very basically it looks like hyperventilating but its controlled. We breathe in and out non stop and deep. We get to a point where we can coast and it starts to take on effects similar to hallucinogenic drugs, but without the dangers. I was getting visions while in this state, I won't get into specifics as its personal to me, but by the end of the hour of this practice, I sat still and cried. It was not a bad cry, it was a detoxing cry that needed to happen. Who says crying is bad anyway, we all need a good cry occasionally. I cried because I saw truth in my visions, things I had always known but refused to acknowledge. It didn't seem so scary anymore.
Facing Fears
We also get a couple hours free on Saturday to lounge by the pool as so many choose to do after beating our bodies senseless with yoga last couple days. I always consider hiking but was always scared because the first year someone told me they saw a rattlesnake on the trail. So I avoided the trail. Just to be honest, I have been to this estate before for a different retreat in the fall and I did hike this trail than because I was told no snakes are out when its cold. So I did know the trail and knew there were parts that were very narrow and snakes could be lurking beneath the rocks or in the grass. To say I was scared is an understatement, I was frightened. So I went through it in my head, what is my worst case scenario? Getting bitten or struck by a snake, than I would have to wobble my ass back to the house for the snake bite kit. Okay, cool, I can handle that. But I was still scared yet I did it anyway. Any little sound made me jump, I would pause near holes to make sure nothing came out of it, ran passed some sections that seemed questionable. By the time I made it to the end, I felt good! I outsmarted the snakes! Feeling indestructible now, there was a cliff from the last hike that I remember being so scared to climb due to my fear of heights and the danger it posed of falling off. I wanted to try it again this year. Again, I was frightened as I made my way up the trail along the side of the cliff that carefully wove its way to the top. I literally had to climb with my hands and feet as I got closer to the top. I didn't look up and I didn't look down, I just looked where I was at the moment and got through that. My legs were on fire and I wasn't sure I was going to make it, I could hardly breathe, but I didn't stop. As long as I have breathe, I have life. So I pushed myself through it and eventually made it to the top. The hard work was done but now the reality of where I was hit me and my heart raced faster as I noticed how high up I was staring down at certain death were I to fall. I inched myself close to the edge as all these thoughts raced through my head "what if a bird swoops by and scares me off the cliff. what if..." so I remembered my breathing and put a stop to those paralyzing thoughts. I made it to the edge and looked down, the fear that started in my heart had spread to my legs and other parts of my body. But I pushed passed it, got my look and backed away. Once I was satisfied I had faced my fear, I made my way back down. Only to take hit the trails with threat of a snake, but by now the fear just became a feeling that was background noise to my conviction.
All this in my one weekend of yoga. Yoga is not just a workout, its a lifestyle - a spiritual practice. So much more than what I can cover in this blog as I am still learning about it myself. It is a practice I have committed myself to and expect to continue to learn for the rest of my life. I didn't cover meditation specifically because truth is while I had dedicated times of sitting in meditation, the whole weekend was a practice in meditation as I performed each activity from Friday to Sunday with intention and in the moment.
Remember, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised, all we have is the present - right now, this moment right here.
I thank you for sharing in my adventure. Namaste.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Get Some Booty
It has been upsetting many people trying to understand why there are so many haters in the world especially when it affects good people. An epiphany came to me today when I realized - they just need to get laid!
So we have some anonymous accounts that have been created for the purpose of talking about others in a way they don't have the courage to do as themselves. I can only assume they are angry which is really just masking pain. The root of that pain may be unknown as they themselves may not recognize it. Someone who is happy, truly happy, does not feel the need to bring others down.
There is such a thing as calling people on their bullshit, but we shouldn't have to hide behind a fake persona to do so. I would do it as the person that I am and deal with the consequences. I may not be the most popular person when I do so but I do have strong faith that as long as I am doing the right thing, it will work itself out eventually. I do it with love on helping the other person grow, never to tear down. Most of these accounts appear to have the motive of tearing people down.
So with all that said, I would like to state that the best way to help overcome that frustration, that anger, that sadness, is to get some booty. And I don't mean just anyone, it must be good. If it's really good, you won't care about anyone else. Good sex has a way of transforming your thinking to positive thoughts. Get lots of it.
I challenge all these hater account owners to have a good orgasm and than post some shit about someone who has never done anything to harm them. I bet they can't.
I'm sure someone will say that they do get some already and that I am wrong. I call bullshit. Plain and simple. If you were having good sex on a regular basis, your endorphins would be so high, you would only have love for the world.
Don't be so uptight, let yourself go and have a good fuck!
For everyone else affected by these haters, just remind them to #GetSomeBooty.
So we have some anonymous accounts that have been created for the purpose of talking about others in a way they don't have the courage to do as themselves. I can only assume they are angry which is really just masking pain. The root of that pain may be unknown as they themselves may not recognize it. Someone who is happy, truly happy, does not feel the need to bring others down.
There is such a thing as calling people on their bullshit, but we shouldn't have to hide behind a fake persona to do so. I would do it as the person that I am and deal with the consequences. I may not be the most popular person when I do so but I do have strong faith that as long as I am doing the right thing, it will work itself out eventually. I do it with love on helping the other person grow, never to tear down. Most of these accounts appear to have the motive of tearing people down.
So with all that said, I would like to state that the best way to help overcome that frustration, that anger, that sadness, is to get some booty. And I don't mean just anyone, it must be good. If it's really good, you won't care about anyone else. Good sex has a way of transforming your thinking to positive thoughts. Get lots of it.
I challenge all these hater account owners to have a good orgasm and than post some shit about someone who has never done anything to harm them. I bet they can't.
I'm sure someone will say that they do get some already and that I am wrong. I call bullshit. Plain and simple. If you were having good sex on a regular basis, your endorphins would be so high, you would only have love for the world.
Don't be so uptight, let yourself go and have a good fuck!
For everyone else affected by these haters, just remind them to #GetSomeBooty.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Navigating the Love Game
Ah this elusive thing called love. Why must you play so hard to get? I was once in love, I mean really in love. We were going to get married. We had a child together and to see us together was sickening how cute we were. I was actually in a dying relationship when I met him. Even though my relationship was nearing its end, I still would not cheat to be with this new guy. So I finally put an end to it and started anew with who would soon become the true love of my life. I gave him my first born child and I thought we would always be together.
EHHHH! (that's the sound of the buzzer when you're wrong)
I was heartbroken that it ended and it would be a couple years before I could reenter the dating world. While I have dated many, I have yet to reenter another serious relationship such as that I had with my son's father. I am more mature now and I cannot hold him completely to blame for our failed relationship. I made some mistakes too. I just had to learn from them so I don't repeat them with future men.
Here I have my list of things I learned in my search. I hope it can help others as well as we navigate this complicated world of love.
Never misrepresent yourself online because the truth will be revealed when you meet in person
So reentering the dating world I got with the times and started online. I got my best picture, wrote my best profile and I posted it online. I also sought out some profiles myself that I would contact. I "met" several people this way. Very few did I want to continue and meet in person but of those I did, I was really only disappointed maybe once. Those I did not meet were because I got a feeling they were not who they said they were. Too many inconsistencies in what they say and too much hesitation from them. I'm lucky that I tend to get those feelings about those people early on so I can make those decisions. Had I ignored my instincts, I may have really been disappointed when meeting them. Likewise, I represented myself just as I am (at my best, of course) so that when they met me there were no disappointments. But if they were disappointed, it would be more due to their unrealistic expectations more than anything I would have said or done. That's not our problem and never take that personally so long as you know you were real. As for my profile picture, of course I'm going to display my best picture, DUH!
Don't necessarily dismiss what others have to say about person you are seeing
Most of us have been told to ignore what our friends and family say when it comes to a potential mate. Saying that they are just jealous and don't want you to be happy. While this may be true in some cases, in most cases I have found there was merit to what they had to say. They have the ability to look at the situation objectively while you may be blinded by your emotions. First think about your relationship with the person telling you. Have they always kept it real with you, had your best interest at heart? Than listen to them. Of course its true there may be things they don't understand so help them understand. Have they met the person they speak of yet? Introduce them. On the other hand, if your family/friend tends to be prejudgemental, I would take what they have to say with a grain of salt. I can tell my mother that I have been talking to a man who was in prison and she will ask me "Does he make you happy?" She doesn't judge him for being in prison, she gets to the heart of the matter. So if she were to meet him and than come back and tell me to watch out for him, I would listen. In the end, it is still up to you to decide what to do. Just don't totally discount what those around you who really do love you have to say. More times than not I have gone back to my mom or best friends saying "I should have listened to you."
Better be alone than unhappy
Too many latch on to the first person who will have them because they fear being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone and its a hell of a lot more pleasant than being with someone with whom you are unhappy. At least when you are alone you have the freedom to explore the possibilities and trust there are many. If you happen to be in a relationship and are not happy, either fix it or get the hell out. Life is too short to allow yourself to be stuck in a situation that doesn't bring you joy. Relationships do take work, I am not referring to the hard work you may have to endure to make it to that happy place. But if you keep doing the same thing and getting the same results, get the fuck out. Sorry, but this one irritates me the most because of how many people continue to stay and complain. If you want to stay, that's fine too, than just shut the fuck up about it, you made your decision. I have been there. I had a newborn baby, a mortgage, a car payment, daycare cost, lots of debt and a job that barely made ends meet. My son's father supplemented the rest of what I was short each month yet were still very tight. We depended on each other financially. But we were fighting all the time and just not happy. I finally had enough and realized there was no fixing our relationship and I wanted out. I asked him to leave. I knew I could not afford that house without him but I also couldn't afford to be so unhappy with a new baby who I was providing nurishment from my breast. I didn't know how I would survive but I knew as long as I was doing the right thing, life would lead me to a solution to help me through. Shortly after, I found out I could refinance my house to lower my payments. I was able to get child support for the daycare payments and my friend hooked me up with someone who needed to rent a room. I had a large 4 bedroom house and had the room. So I was able to finally survive financially until I was able to find another solution (make more money, which I did wind up doing later.) I share this story for those in relationships already. If you want out because you are not happy, trust that life will help you survive. If you are merely dating and not happy, don't assume it will get better. Don't even waste your time, get out and find someone new.
Don't assume a baby will make things better
A baby completely changes the dynamics of a relationship. What was once a happy union is flipped over on its head and challenged from another angle. If you are strong enough, you will surivive. But if there were ever any underlying issues that either of you kept sweeping under the rug, they will rear their ugly heads. Its easy to pretend everything is okay when you only have yourself to worry about but as soon as you add additional responsibility, the skeletons start jumping out of the closet. Especially when you are tired and don't get any sleep. And you can't just run off because you have a child to care for. I refer to the previous point, if you are not happy, fix it or get the hell out but PLEASE do not have a child assuming things will improve. I actually did not know we had problems until after the baby, but looking back I can see the red flags that I ignored. Learn from my mistakes, if you are thinking of having a baby think long and hard about the relationship as it stands now. You cannot predict what will happen exactly, but get a feeling for it and be honest with yourself. I myself have decided I am only interested in dating fathers because they already know about the changes that occur. This also allows me to gauge them as a father with their own children. If he is not caring for his own children, I am not interested in getting to know more. He may simply be reduced to my standby booty call list but no more. Which brings me to my next point.
Consider having a standby booty call list
This one is very delicate because women, unlike men, cannot always have an emotionally detached sexual relationship. We may have every intention of having one but than one day we wake up with the strange feeling in our heart. It's called longing and when you start longing for them, you are no longer detached. If he is detached emotionally than you are in trouble and need to get out to avoid any further pain. If you think you can handle it, than I would say consider that standby booty call list. This is that list of people you can call to come take care of business when you are feeling frustrated with the dating world. But don't try to date that person either, they are what they are as you should be to them as well. That's very important to remain honest and be sure you both have the same expectations of each other. When the duty is done, he should leave and you should go on with your dating life. Probably shouldn't mention this list to those you date either. Don't lie about it, but don't bring it up either. (If I'm dating you and you happened upon my blog, don't make any assumptions about whether or not I own such a list.)
Sex is a good thing but should not be the only thing
How soon to start having sex with someone is a personal choice and I wouldn't judge anyone either way. However, I will advise and say to get to know that person before you get naked. If you met naked for whatever reason, at least talk in the afterglow and get to know each other to decide if you want to continue. If your relationship is based on good sex yet you don't have anything in common, it won't last. Why waste your time? I think you already know what I have to say about this person -> move to Standby Booty Call list. Don't waste your efforts on someone with whom you do not see a future. Get back out there and look for the right one before you get too old no one wants to do you anymore. I met this guy once at a club. He was so fine, rock hard body, beautiful face. He was just perfect. I took him home and found out that perfection extended to the bedroom. There was just one problem, he was an idiot. He could barely string too words into a sentence together, talking to him was making my ears bleed. I just wanted him to shut up and do me. Yet he insisted on calling me to talk. I had to let him go. Now don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy but I got the impression once he was able to formulate a sentence that he was just looking for a sugar mama anyway. I'm too cute to be anybody's sugar mama.
Don't be anybody's sugar mama
Just don't. It's degrading and you deserve better. You deserve someone who chooses to love you and someone will. Love yourself and he will too. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you act insecure, they will feed it by making you feel wanted. But that same person will leave you should you one day rediscover your power and regain your confidence. If someone abuses you, set them straight or, depending on the severity, just get away from them. Don't let anyone ever let you believe that you need them. You don't need anybody to complete you, you should already be complete. Another person should only supplement your already existing happiness. Nuff said.
Be patient
Most importantly remain patient. Love is not something that can be rushed. My mother always tells me, if not this one, someone better. So always believe that, if things did not work out with someone you really liked, it just means something better is waiting for you. And if you feel the one you wanted is the best, can you imagine what that must mean for the one that IS meant for you? Amazing! Thats what!! Just have faith and believe that you really are meant to be happy. It's frustating, I know, I am right there with ya but oh there is so much out there to explore that it makes the journey fun.
(I think in my next blog I will discuss that what I have learned in the bedroom, that should be fun.)
EHHHH! (that's the sound of the buzzer when you're wrong)
I was heartbroken that it ended and it would be a couple years before I could reenter the dating world. While I have dated many, I have yet to reenter another serious relationship such as that I had with my son's father. I am more mature now and I cannot hold him completely to blame for our failed relationship. I made some mistakes too. I just had to learn from them so I don't repeat them with future men.
Here I have my list of things I learned in my search. I hope it can help others as well as we navigate this complicated world of love.
Never misrepresent yourself online because the truth will be revealed when you meet in person
So reentering the dating world I got with the times and started online. I got my best picture, wrote my best profile and I posted it online. I also sought out some profiles myself that I would contact. I "met" several people this way. Very few did I want to continue and meet in person but of those I did, I was really only disappointed maybe once. Those I did not meet were because I got a feeling they were not who they said they were. Too many inconsistencies in what they say and too much hesitation from them. I'm lucky that I tend to get those feelings about those people early on so I can make those decisions. Had I ignored my instincts, I may have really been disappointed when meeting them. Likewise, I represented myself just as I am (at my best, of course) so that when they met me there were no disappointments. But if they were disappointed, it would be more due to their unrealistic expectations more than anything I would have said or done. That's not our problem and never take that personally so long as you know you were real. As for my profile picture, of course I'm going to display my best picture, DUH!
Don't necessarily dismiss what others have to say about person you are seeing
Most of us have been told to ignore what our friends and family say when it comes to a potential mate. Saying that they are just jealous and don't want you to be happy. While this may be true in some cases, in most cases I have found there was merit to what they had to say. They have the ability to look at the situation objectively while you may be blinded by your emotions. First think about your relationship with the person telling you. Have they always kept it real with you, had your best interest at heart? Than listen to them. Of course its true there may be things they don't understand so help them understand. Have they met the person they speak of yet? Introduce them. On the other hand, if your family/friend tends to be prejudgemental, I would take what they have to say with a grain of salt. I can tell my mother that I have been talking to a man who was in prison and she will ask me "Does he make you happy?" She doesn't judge him for being in prison, she gets to the heart of the matter. So if she were to meet him and than come back and tell me to watch out for him, I would listen. In the end, it is still up to you to decide what to do. Just don't totally discount what those around you who really do love you have to say. More times than not I have gone back to my mom or best friends saying "I should have listened to you."
Better be alone than unhappy
Too many latch on to the first person who will have them because they fear being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone and its a hell of a lot more pleasant than being with someone with whom you are unhappy. At least when you are alone you have the freedom to explore the possibilities and trust there are many. If you happen to be in a relationship and are not happy, either fix it or get the hell out. Life is too short to allow yourself to be stuck in a situation that doesn't bring you joy. Relationships do take work, I am not referring to the hard work you may have to endure to make it to that happy place. But if you keep doing the same thing and getting the same results, get the fuck out. Sorry, but this one irritates me the most because of how many people continue to stay and complain. If you want to stay, that's fine too, than just shut the fuck up about it, you made your decision. I have been there. I had a newborn baby, a mortgage, a car payment, daycare cost, lots of debt and a job that barely made ends meet. My son's father supplemented the rest of what I was short each month yet were still very tight. We depended on each other financially. But we were fighting all the time and just not happy. I finally had enough and realized there was no fixing our relationship and I wanted out. I asked him to leave. I knew I could not afford that house without him but I also couldn't afford to be so unhappy with a new baby who I was providing nurishment from my breast. I didn't know how I would survive but I knew as long as I was doing the right thing, life would lead me to a solution to help me through. Shortly after, I found out I could refinance my house to lower my payments. I was able to get child support for the daycare payments and my friend hooked me up with someone who needed to rent a room. I had a large 4 bedroom house and had the room. So I was able to finally survive financially until I was able to find another solution (make more money, which I did wind up doing later.) I share this story for those in relationships already. If you want out because you are not happy, trust that life will help you survive. If you are merely dating and not happy, don't assume it will get better. Don't even waste your time, get out and find someone new.
Don't assume a baby will make things better
A baby completely changes the dynamics of a relationship. What was once a happy union is flipped over on its head and challenged from another angle. If you are strong enough, you will surivive. But if there were ever any underlying issues that either of you kept sweeping under the rug, they will rear their ugly heads. Its easy to pretend everything is okay when you only have yourself to worry about but as soon as you add additional responsibility, the skeletons start jumping out of the closet. Especially when you are tired and don't get any sleep. And you can't just run off because you have a child to care for. I refer to the previous point, if you are not happy, fix it or get the hell out but PLEASE do not have a child assuming things will improve. I actually did not know we had problems until after the baby, but looking back I can see the red flags that I ignored. Learn from my mistakes, if you are thinking of having a baby think long and hard about the relationship as it stands now. You cannot predict what will happen exactly, but get a feeling for it and be honest with yourself. I myself have decided I am only interested in dating fathers because they already know about the changes that occur. This also allows me to gauge them as a father with their own children. If he is not caring for his own children, I am not interested in getting to know more. He may simply be reduced to my standby booty call list but no more. Which brings me to my next point.
Consider having a standby booty call list
This one is very delicate because women, unlike men, cannot always have an emotionally detached sexual relationship. We may have every intention of having one but than one day we wake up with the strange feeling in our heart. It's called longing and when you start longing for them, you are no longer detached. If he is detached emotionally than you are in trouble and need to get out to avoid any further pain. If you think you can handle it, than I would say consider that standby booty call list. This is that list of people you can call to come take care of business when you are feeling frustrated with the dating world. But don't try to date that person either, they are what they are as you should be to them as well. That's very important to remain honest and be sure you both have the same expectations of each other. When the duty is done, he should leave and you should go on with your dating life. Probably shouldn't mention this list to those you date either. Don't lie about it, but don't bring it up either. (If I'm dating you and you happened upon my blog, don't make any assumptions about whether or not I own such a list.)
Sex is a good thing but should not be the only thing
How soon to start having sex with someone is a personal choice and I wouldn't judge anyone either way. However, I will advise and say to get to know that person before you get naked. If you met naked for whatever reason, at least talk in the afterglow and get to know each other to decide if you want to continue. If your relationship is based on good sex yet you don't have anything in common, it won't last. Why waste your time? I think you already know what I have to say about this person -> move to Standby Booty Call list. Don't waste your efforts on someone with whom you do not see a future. Get back out there and look for the right one before you get too old no one wants to do you anymore. I met this guy once at a club. He was so fine, rock hard body, beautiful face. He was just perfect. I took him home and found out that perfection extended to the bedroom. There was just one problem, he was an idiot. He could barely string too words into a sentence together, talking to him was making my ears bleed. I just wanted him to shut up and do me. Yet he insisted on calling me to talk. I had to let him go. Now don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy but I got the impression once he was able to formulate a sentence that he was just looking for a sugar mama anyway. I'm too cute to be anybody's sugar mama.
Don't be anybody's sugar mama
Just don't. It's degrading and you deserve better. You deserve someone who chooses to love you and someone will. Love yourself and he will too. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you act insecure, they will feed it by making you feel wanted. But that same person will leave you should you one day rediscover your power and regain your confidence. If someone abuses you, set them straight or, depending on the severity, just get away from them. Don't let anyone ever let you believe that you need them. You don't need anybody to complete you, you should already be complete. Another person should only supplement your already existing happiness. Nuff said.
Be patient
Most importantly remain patient. Love is not something that can be rushed. My mother always tells me, if not this one, someone better. So always believe that, if things did not work out with someone you really liked, it just means something better is waiting for you. And if you feel the one you wanted is the best, can you imagine what that must mean for the one that IS meant for you? Amazing! Thats what!! Just have faith and believe that you really are meant to be happy. It's frustating, I know, I am right there with ya but oh there is so much out there to explore that it makes the journey fun.
(I think in my next blog I will discuss that what I have learned in the bedroom, that should be fun.)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
100 Pushup Challenge
If you are here, you probably answered my twitter or facebook call for the 100 pushup challenge. This should be easy because while most programs say you can reach your goal in 60 days or 6 weeks, we are giving ourselves 12 months. This was inspired from Danny Wood's challenge to get us towards healthy living. I told him I would complete 100 push-ups by cruise 2011 and asked others to join me.
I found a great site that will lead us through our challenge. We can log our accomplishments and allow it to post to twitter or facebook for us. Also, if you connect with your facebook account, it has a feature to see who of your other friends are in on the challenge.
This is how our challenge will go down:
Sign up to PushupLogger
- You can connect using your FaceBook account or once you sign up, go to Edit Profile to input your twitter account (or do both).
To take the challenge, you can either do your own plan or use the one suggested by the site.
Start with the Initial Test to gauge how many you can currently do. (Log this under Exhaustion Test in the Push Up Logger)
Than move on to Week 1 of the plan
Feel free to move at your own pace, don't be thrown by the week numbers, you can repeat week 1 for as long as you feel comfortable before moving on to the next week. All weeks can be repeated as many times as you feel necessary. The point is to just keep moving towards your goals. We can hold each other accountable and motivate and inspire each other. And once we finish the 100 push-ups the same site offers the 100 sit-ups and squats challenge that we can move towards.
Oh, and these are military style. Not the girly on your knees type of push-ups. :)
So come on! 100 push-ups/sit-ups/squats by May 2011!!!
I found a great site that will lead us through our challenge. We can log our accomplishments and allow it to post to twitter or facebook for us. Also, if you connect with your facebook account, it has a feature to see who of your other friends are in on the challenge.
This is how our challenge will go down:
Sign up to PushupLogger
- You can connect using your FaceBook account or once you sign up, go to Edit Profile to input your twitter account (or do both).
To take the challenge, you can either do your own plan or use the one suggested by the site.
Start with the Initial Test to gauge how many you can currently do. (Log this under Exhaustion Test in the Push Up Logger)
Than move on to Week 1 of the plan
Feel free to move at your own pace, don't be thrown by the week numbers, you can repeat week 1 for as long as you feel comfortable before moving on to the next week. All weeks can be repeated as many times as you feel necessary. The point is to just keep moving towards your goals. We can hold each other accountable and motivate and inspire each other. And once we finish the 100 push-ups the same site offers the 100 sit-ups and squats challenge that we can move towards.
Oh, and these are military style. Not the girly on your knees type of push-ups. :)
So come on! 100 push-ups/sit-ups/squats by May 2011!!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
How To Enjoy Life
I don't claim to know it all but I do enjoy life more the older I get. I feel I have earned my years and have been gifted with more wisdom and its only fair I should share what I have learned.
Don't take life so seriously
Learn to laugh at the silliness all around. We will encounter things that annoy us everyday, take it for what it is and move on. If you feel it requires a response, so be it, but don't focus so much of your time and energy on it that it becomes an obsession. If someone's behavior is bothering us and talking to them doesn't help, it would serve us better to focus on how we can better handle ourselves. How can we change our attitudes towards it so we can let it go and move on? Than dance!
Don't assume high IQ equals wisdom
Even me. I always ask that you question me if what I say doesn't sound right to you - that's anybody and anything. If it doesn't resonate with you, question it. I have had people call me out before and I highly respect them for it if its done with the best intentions. I know I don't know it all and I am prone to go off on rants just like anybody else. When someone is brave enough to stand up to me and say something, I give them the respect they deserve. If someone gets mad at your for questioning them, it only means they use their anger to hide their own incompetence. We should never assume we know everything for that is when we will fall flat on our faces
Don't ever look down your nose at anyone
Watch out for the stuck up types. No one is too big to give you a minute of their time. The president of the United States doesn't see himself above the poor as he sits with them. Neither should any one of us feel we are better than anyone, ever. I am equal with the homeless man, the prostitute, the crackhead, the murderer in prison. I am equal with the president, the pope, the philanthropist, the soldier, God. I am no better, no worse. We may exhibit different behaviors but it doesn't make us less of a human. We all have to deal with the consequences of our actions, it does not necessarily define who we are inside. If anyone ever tries to make you feel stupid or less of a person, feel sorry for THEM for they have not learned to look past their own importance. It is not a reflection on you if you are love. No one defines us but ourselves. We have the power to shape who we are and no one can take that away from us. So forget about what you have heard in the past about who or what you are. Only believe what you hold to be true.
Don't be so judgmental
This is everyone, even me. We see something, we state an opinion. Fine, but don't let it turn into bitterness and hatred. Girls dress like hoochies, so what! Choose to ignore them or join them. I personally think that we need to move towards a naked society because too much judgment rests on what someone does or does not have on. Maybe if we were naked there would be nothing other than body type to judge - so we are forced to get to know them from the inside. This may also help the obesity problem because people would have an incentive to shape up since they can't hide it. I think confidence would increase as we are forced to face our fear of our body images and therefore lead to happier people. So stop worrying about what somebody is wearing or not wearing and have fun!
This also goes for behavior. Stop worrying about if someone is trying to get more attention. Than don't give them any, ignore them! Master the art of forgiveness. You forgive their neediness than it doesn't bother you anymore, even if they continue. Block them from your life and move on. It should not stand in the way of you and your happiness, which is where your focus should lie.
Understand and believe that what is meant to be, will be
If we don't get what we want, its because something bigger and better awaits us. It may hurt because we want it so bad, but learn to let it go. If it is meant to be ours, it will be ours. If not, than why tear ourselves up by hanging on to something that will never be. Meanwhile, life goes on and we miss out on our opportunities of our bigger and better things. This is a hard one to master, it took me years and constant reminders from my mother. I just wanted to cry and pout and hope things would change, but they didn't. When I learned to let go is when I started to see great things happen in my life. Suddenly, I started to see the reasons why what I wanted before wasn't meant for me. What really was meant for me, made me much happier. I may have missed those opportunities meant for me had I allowed myself to obsess over something lost.
Also believe in karma. Some things in life seem unfair but maybe they are meant to be as well. If we see things occur that don't seem right and there is nothing we can do to stop it, than have faith karma will catch up and even things out. Everything runs its course and what's left standing in the end is the truth. But we cannot let this obscure our vision of our goals.
Stop trying to be someone's mama/daddy
This is about making up rules for behavior that don't address issues of safety. Certain laws and rules are needed in order to ensure everyone is safe but when people start making up their own rules about the way one should act (which technically falls under etiquette) this is getting into parental territory. It's really obnoxious and pretentious of anyone to assume that they should dictate what others morals and values should be (parents with their actual children excluded). Focus on your own growth and leave others to do the same. Worrying too much about how others should act only takes away from your own enjoyment of life as we can't possibly watch or control everybody. As a parent, I know how exhausting that could be for just one child, imagine trying to do that for the whole world. No way. Focus on parenting yourself and your own actions. And don't forget to have fun!
Don't mistake kindness for weakness
Just because you are kind and loving does not mean you are vulnerable to the players, hustlers, liars and manipulators out there. There will always be game, be smart and recognize it. Most people can recognize it as it's that feeling you get at the pit of your stomach. Don't ignore it, recognize it's there and either choose to call it out or turn and walk the other way. You can also walk beside it which is what I tend to do depending on the severity. I feel if I walk beside it, its more of an assertive approach that hopes to get the person to recognize the results of their behavior themselves. We can't force anyone to change, but we can provide assistance should they need it. If you decide to take the agent of change route, don't ever make them feel inferior or that they are bad. Otherwise, you are just as much in the wrong as they have been. We all make mistakes and we just need non-judgmental support to see us through.
If someone does not want to change and nothing you do can inspire them, move on. Don't let them drag you down with them. Don't judge them either. Continue to be you, do you, and remain true to your spirit. This isn't always easy, especially when its someone close to you. Get angry, that's okay, but let it go. Don't blame them for your anger, own your anger, than release it. I do speak from experience, many tragic happenings in my life that would send anyone to a psychiatric ward (came thisclose) but I learned to deal with life the healthy way. It took time and patience, but trust, it does get easier to cope.
Finally, Have fun!!!!
Let yourself go, live, breathe, let your heart sing! Don't worry about what others are going to think, if it feels right, than just do it. Free yourself of the opinions of others. You have that power, don't give it away. :)
"True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.
And in knowing that you know nothing, that makes you the smartest of all."
- Socrates
Don't take life so seriously
Learn to laugh at the silliness all around. We will encounter things that annoy us everyday, take it for what it is and move on. If you feel it requires a response, so be it, but don't focus so much of your time and energy on it that it becomes an obsession. If someone's behavior is bothering us and talking to them doesn't help, it would serve us better to focus on how we can better handle ourselves. How can we change our attitudes towards it so we can let it go and move on? Than dance!
"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."
- Albert Camus
Don't assume high IQ equals wisdom
Even me. I always ask that you question me if what I say doesn't sound right to you - that's anybody and anything. If it doesn't resonate with you, question it. I have had people call me out before and I highly respect them for it if its done with the best intentions. I know I don't know it all and I am prone to go off on rants just like anybody else. When someone is brave enough to stand up to me and say something, I give them the respect they deserve. If someone gets mad at your for questioning them, it only means they use their anger to hide their own incompetence. We should never assume we know everything for that is when we will fall flat on our faces
"Re-examine all you have been told . . . Dismiss what insults your Soul."
- Walt Whitman
Don't ever look down your nose at anyone
Watch out for the stuck up types. No one is too big to give you a minute of their time. The president of the United States doesn't see himself above the poor as he sits with them. Neither should any one of us feel we are better than anyone, ever. I am equal with the homeless man, the prostitute, the crackhead, the murderer in prison. I am equal with the president, the pope, the philanthropist, the soldier, God. I am no better, no worse. We may exhibit different behaviors but it doesn't make us less of a human. We all have to deal with the consequences of our actions, it does not necessarily define who we are inside. If anyone ever tries to make you feel stupid or less of a person, feel sorry for THEM for they have not learned to look past their own importance. It is not a reflection on you if you are love. No one defines us but ourselves. We have the power to shape who we are and no one can take that away from us. So forget about what you have heard in the past about who or what you are. Only believe what you hold to be true.
"Privilege is the greatest enemy of right."
- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Don't be so judgmental
This is everyone, even me. We see something, we state an opinion. Fine, but don't let it turn into bitterness and hatred. Girls dress like hoochies, so what! Choose to ignore them or join them. I personally think that we need to move towards a naked society because too much judgment rests on what someone does or does not have on. Maybe if we were naked there would be nothing other than body type to judge - so we are forced to get to know them from the inside. This may also help the obesity problem because people would have an incentive to shape up since they can't hide it. I think confidence would increase as we are forced to face our fear of our body images and therefore lead to happier people. So stop worrying about what somebody is wearing or not wearing and have fun!
This also goes for behavior. Stop worrying about if someone is trying to get more attention. Than don't give them any, ignore them! Master the art of forgiveness. You forgive their neediness than it doesn't bother you anymore, even if they continue. Block them from your life and move on. It should not stand in the way of you and your happiness, which is where your focus should lie.
"If you want to study yourself -- look into the hearts of other people. If you want to study other people -- look into your own heart."
-Friedrich von Schiller
Understand and believe that what is meant to be, will be
If we don't get what we want, its because something bigger and better awaits us. It may hurt because we want it so bad, but learn to let it go. If it is meant to be ours, it will be ours. If not, than why tear ourselves up by hanging on to something that will never be. Meanwhile, life goes on and we miss out on our opportunities of our bigger and better things. This is a hard one to master, it took me years and constant reminders from my mother. I just wanted to cry and pout and hope things would change, but they didn't. When I learned to let go is when I started to see great things happen in my life. Suddenly, I started to see the reasons why what I wanted before wasn't meant for me. What really was meant for me, made me much happier. I may have missed those opportunities meant for me had I allowed myself to obsess over something lost.
Also believe in karma. Some things in life seem unfair but maybe they are meant to be as well. If we see things occur that don't seem right and there is nothing we can do to stop it, than have faith karma will catch up and even things out. Everything runs its course and what's left standing in the end is the truth. But we cannot let this obscure our vision of our goals.
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
- Helen Keller
Stop trying to be someone's mama/daddy
This is about making up rules for behavior that don't address issues of safety. Certain laws and rules are needed in order to ensure everyone is safe but when people start making up their own rules about the way one should act (which technically falls under etiquette) this is getting into parental territory. It's really obnoxious and pretentious of anyone to assume that they should dictate what others morals and values should be (parents with their actual children excluded). Focus on your own growth and leave others to do the same. Worrying too much about how others should act only takes away from your own enjoyment of life as we can't possibly watch or control everybody. As a parent, I know how exhausting that could be for just one child, imagine trying to do that for the whole world. No way. Focus on parenting yourself and your own actions. And don't forget to have fun!
"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world — that is the myth of the atomic age — as in being able to remake ourselves."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Don't mistake kindness for weakness
Just because you are kind and loving does not mean you are vulnerable to the players, hustlers, liars and manipulators out there. There will always be game, be smart and recognize it. Most people can recognize it as it's that feeling you get at the pit of your stomach. Don't ignore it, recognize it's there and either choose to call it out or turn and walk the other way. You can also walk beside it which is what I tend to do depending on the severity. I feel if I walk beside it, its more of an assertive approach that hopes to get the person to recognize the results of their behavior themselves. We can't force anyone to change, but we can provide assistance should they need it. If you decide to take the agent of change route, don't ever make them feel inferior or that they are bad. Otherwise, you are just as much in the wrong as they have been. We all make mistakes and we just need non-judgmental support to see us through.
If someone does not want to change and nothing you do can inspire them, move on. Don't let them drag you down with them. Don't judge them either. Continue to be you, do you, and remain true to your spirit. This isn't always easy, especially when its someone close to you. Get angry, that's okay, but let it go. Don't blame them for your anger, own your anger, than release it. I do speak from experience, many tragic happenings in my life that would send anyone to a psychiatric ward (came thisclose) but I learned to deal with life the healthy way. It took time and patience, but trust, it does get easier to cope.
"The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook."
- William James
Finally, Have fun!!!!
Let yourself go, live, breathe, let your heart sing! Don't worry about what others are going to think, if it feels right, than just do it. Free yourself of the opinions of others. You have that power, don't give it away. :)
"Just dance, gonna be okay."
- Lady Gaga
Saturday, January 30, 2010
How To Stop Complaining
I got this article in an email and I wanted to share it....
How to Stop Complaining by Steve Pavlina
Perhaps the most important step in quitting the habit of complaining is to disconnect the undesirable behavior from your identity. A common mistake chronic complainers make is to self-identify with the negative thoughts running through their minds. Such a person might admit, “I know I’m responsible for my thoughts, but I don’t know how to stop myself from thinking negatively so often.” That seems like a step in the right direction, and to a certain degree it is, but it’s also a trap. It’s good to take responsibility for your thoughts, but you don’t want to identify with those thoughts to the point you end up blaming yourself and feeling even worse.
A better statement might be, “I recognize these negative thoughts going through my mind. But those thoughts are not me. As I raise my awareness, I can replace those thoughts with positive alternatives.” You have the power to re-condition your thoughts, but the trick is to keep your consciousness out of the quagmire of blame. Realize that while these thoughts are flowing through your mind, they are not you. You are the conscious conduit through which they flow.
Mental conditioning
Although your thoughts are not you, if you repeat the same thoughts over and over again, they will condition your mind to a large extent. It’s almost accurate to say that we become our dominant thoughts, but I think that’s taking it a bit too far.
Consider how the foods you eat condition your body. You aren’t really going to become the next meal you eat, but that meal is going to influence your physiology, and if you keep eating the same meals over and over, they’ll have a major impact on your body over time. Your body will crave and expect those same foods. However, your body remains separate and distinct from the foods you eat, and you’re still free to change what you eat, which will gradually recondition your physiology in accordance with the new inputs.
This is why negative thinking is so addictive. If you keep holding negative thoughts, you condition your mind to expect and even crave those continued inputs. Your neurons will even learn to predict the reoccurrence of negative stimuli. You’ll practically become a negativity magnet.
The trap of negative thinking
This is a tough situation to escape because it’s self-perpetuating, as anyone stuck in negative thinking knows all too well. Your negative experiences feed your negative expectations, which then attract new negative experiences.
In truth most people who enter this pattern never escape it in their entire lives. It’s just that difficult to escape. Even as they rail against their own negativity, they unknowingly perpetuate it by continuing to identify with it. If you beat yourself up for being too negative, you’re simply reinforcing the pattern, not breaking out of it.
I think most people who are stuck in this trap will remain stuck until they experience an elevation in their consciousness. They have to recognize that they’re trapped and that continuing to fight their own negativity while still identifying with it is a battle that can never be won. Think about it. If beating yourself up for being too whiny was going to work, wouldn’t it have worked a long time ago? Are you any closer to a solution for all the effort you’ve invested in this plan of attack?
Consequently, the solution I like best is to stop fighting and surrender. Instead of resisting the negativity head-on, acknowledge and accept its presence. This will actually have the effect of raising your consciousness.
Overcoming negativity
You can actually learn to embrace the negative thoughts running through your head and thereby transcend them. Allow them to be, but don’t identify with them because those thoughts are not you. Begin to interact with them like an observer.
It’s been said that the mind is like a hyperactive monkey. The more you fight with the monkey, the more hyper it becomes. So instead just relax and observe the monkey until it wears itself out.
Recognize also that this is the very reason you’re here, living out your current life as a human being. Your reason for being here is to develop your consciousness. If you’re mired in negativity, your job is to develop your consciousness to the point where you can learn to stay focused on what you want, to create positively instead of destructively. It may take you more than a lifetime to accomplish that, and that’s OK. Your life is always reflecting back to you the contents of your consciousness. If you don’t like what you’re experiencing, that’s because your skill at conscious creation remains underdeveloped. That’s not a problem though because you’re here to develop it. You’re experiencing exactly what you’re supposed to be experiencing so you can learn.
Conscious creation
If you need a few more lifetimes to work through your negativity, you’re free to take your time. Conscious creation is a big responsibility, and maybe you don’t feel ready for it yet. So until then you’re going to perpetuate the pattern of negative thinking to keep yourself away from that realization. You must admit that the idea of being the primary creator of everything in your current reality is a bit daunting. What are you going to make of your life? What if you screw up? What if you make a big mess of everything? What if you try your best and fail? Those self-doubts will keep you in a pattern of negativity as a way of avoiding that responsibility.
Unfortunately, this escapism has consequences. The only way true creators can deny responsibility for their creations is to buy into the illusion that they aren’t really creating any of it. This means you have to turn your own creative energy against yourself. You’re like a god using his powers to become powerless. You use your strength to make yourself weak.
The reason you may be stuck in a negative thought pattern right now is that at some point, you chose it. You figured the alternative of accepting full responsibility for everything in your reality would be worse. It’s too much to handle. So you turned your own thoughts against yourself to avoid that awesome responsibility. And you’ll continue to remain in a negative manifestation pattern until you’re ready to start accepting some of that responsibility back onto your plate.
Negativity needn’t be a permanent condition. You still have the freedom to choose otherwise. In practice this realization normally happens in layers of unfolding awareness. You begin to accept and embrace more and more responsibility for your life.
Assuming total responsibility
You see, … the real solution to complaining is responsibility. You must say to the universe (and mean it), “I want to accept more responsibility for everything in my experience.”
Here are some examples of what I mean by accepting responsibility:
- If I’m unhappy, it’s because I’m creating it.
- If there’s a problem in the world that bothers me, I’m responsible for fixing it.
- If someone is in need, I’m responsible for helping them.
- If I want something, it’s up to me to achieve it.
- If I want certain people in my life, I must attract and invite them to be with me.
- If I don’t like my present circumstances, I must end them.
On the flip side, it may also help to take responsibility for all the good in your life. The good stuff didn’t just happen to you. You created it. Well done.
Pat yourself on the back for what you like, but don’t feel you must pretend to enjoy what you clearly don’t like. But do accept responsibility for all of it… to the extent you’re ready to do so.
Complaining is the denial of responsibility. And blame is just another way of excusing yourself from being responsible. But this denial still wields its own creative power.
Conscious creation is indeed an awesome responsibility. But in my opinion it’s the best part of being human. There’s just no substitute for creating a life of joy, even if it requires taking responsibility for all the unwanted junk you’ve manifested up to this point.
When you catch yourself complaining, stop and ask yourself if you want to continue to deny responsibility for your reality or to allow a bit more responsibility back onto your plate. Maybe you’re ready to assume more responsibility, and maybe you aren’t, but do your best to make that decision consciously. Do you want sympathy for creating what you don’t want, or do you want congratulations for creating what you do want?
*****************
Steve Pavlina is a motivational speaker and writer and does an amazing job of putting the idea of spiritual and personal growth into words that make it seem very do-able.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)