Years ago I met this man and we hit it off right away. We would talk for hours and never get bored. We grew to be really good friends and were going to take it to that next level. Than one day over the course of a week, he started to shy away from me. He had excuses and I knew that's what they were. We made plans to hang out one day and he seemed distant from me. I finally got him to talk and he confessed he met someone and it was crazy chemistry with her. He felt bad for me because he really did like me, just that his connection to this other woman was much stronger. I was initially upset but he was being honest about it. I appreciated his honestly rather than just string me along or just ignore me and never explain why. Then he said the words that would forever remain with me - It is what it is. I later would translate that to the heart wants what the heart wants. If two people are meant to be together, nothing can stop them, eventually they will find a way together. I always remembered that lesson and it made it easier to let go of someone when it didn't work.
My son's father use to tell me in our relationship that I misrepresented myself once we got involved, I never quite understood what he meant at the time. I came to understand he was referring to the wall I had up during the courting period and probably much of our relationship. This was a huge challenge for me and it took a very special person to see me through this challenge.
This person comes into my life and we hit it off - in fact the story is very similar to the first story I told - great conversation, becoming good friends, etc. This one also ends with him choosing another woman, but again - its okay because if we were meant to be together, nothing in the world would have stopped us from being together. I truly believe that. I know there is nothing wrong with me so I don't try to dwell on why it didn't work just that it didn't and it is what it is (see how the previous experience helped me with this experience). So what did I learn from this man? As I mentioned, I would be afraid to be the real me with men and held back much of my heart. I was afraid of getting hurt so my heart was closed off, hiding behind my feminine wiles instead giving the illusion of an open heart. I was beginning to wonder myself if I even knew how to love. I couldn't open my heart to anyone and started to think I wasn't capable. I was so used to a closed heart, that I think I just came to expect it and didn't bother to open up. But than this man came along and I soon discovered I couldn't fight it. I started to notice that I would be myself with him more than any other. I tried to fight that but than realized I couldn't and I just let it go. He saw me in a way no one had ever seen me before and he didn't run scared and actually liked it. But than due to circumstances beyond our control, we talked and realized it was not going to be so we ended it before it ever started. It was hard for me at first but than I came to be grateful for the experience. I was so happy that I was able to see for myself that I could open my heart. It wasn't that I wasn't capable, it was that I just hadn't found the right person to allow it to fully open and really let go. This experience gave me a renewed faith in love and knowing that when my soulmate does finally appear, my heart will be fully open and ready to receive his love.
These stories I share may seem sad but in reality they are a blessing in disguise. If things didn't work out with someone, think about what you learned about yourself in your encounter. Had I not had this experience I may still be operating under the assumption my heart can never open and sending out that signal to the universe would repel potential mates. Each experience fed into the other as I learned something new, it helped me with the next one which had its own lessons for me.
Suddenly being open I am finding I am dating again - as the real me - the flawed sometimes silly real me. I didn't realize how much easier it is. I am more vulnerable now but ironically through my vulnerability I am less stressed and less concerned when I don't connect with others. Because I knew real me is perfect just the way I am. When I had to hide behind a mask, I worried why people didn't like me because subconsciously knowing it was a mask I wanted to know what was wrong with it so I can adjust it. Too much work having to maintain it. Its easier to just be yourself and not care who doesn't like it. You be yourself and be happy. I know I will have more to learn, maybe even more relationships that don't quite work out. What I have experienced so far has armed me with what I need to survive. I know eventually I will have my soulmate.
My mother always told me, "If not this one, someone better." That is not to set a value on one person is better than another but rather one person is better FOR YOU than another. They are still fine just the way they are. The fact a couple of amazing men were not for me gives me a sense of excitement that the one who is meant for me will be even more amazing for me. Just as they are the most amazing person for someone else. Each relationship that doesn't happen just brings me that much closer to the one that will. If not this one, someone better. :)
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