Death of the Ego

I was so excited this weekend as I was about to embark on a journey like never before, go on a bus trip with my childhood idol, Donnie Wahlberg. I was flying high and the trip hadn't even begun yet. I arrive to go on the bus trip and we all gather as Donnie's assistant, Johnny makes his announcements (more on bus trip in next blog). As Johnny was talking, my phone rang and it was my youngest sister. I thought it was weird cuz it was 7am on a Sunday and she's a party animal up all night. Unless she hadn't gone to sleep, but still she hardly ever calls me. So I hit ignore and let it go to voice mail. Figured I would call her back after the announcement was done. So they line us up and hand us forms to fill out, saying have our passports out and ready. I feel my phone vibrate and its my sister who had just called sending me a text message.

"Grandma Julia just died."

I'm not exactly sure what I said at that point but the blockheads near me came to my rescue, not sure if I looked like I was about to drop everything in my hands or what but they grabbed everything I was holding as they hugged me and said they were sorry. @sweetmelissa275, @jonsboricuagal, and @cbanana17 on twitter were my angels. I remember getting instructions on what to do next but none of it was registering in my head. I asked my BH sister's what I was supposed to do, as in anything. My mind didn't know. One said to call home so I did. My family tells me that they didn't want to interupt my vacation but felt I should know. I asked if I should get home and they said no, funeral won't be until Tuesday anyway, nothing I could do right now, so just enjoy myself. I get off the phone and I asked my new friends what do I do now, they explained what to do with the form so I just followed instructions and filled it out. I asked them a favor, I asked them to keep this news to themselves. I didn't want Donnie to find out about it. I know how sweet Donnie is and I didn't want any special attention because of this news. It wouldn't be fair to the other girls. They agreed and I was glad I had them to talk to if I needed. They agreed to have my back if I started to cry, to hide me so Donnie was never to see me sad or crying. I love them.

I did tell a few friends via private message and asked them to keep it to themselves as well. You know who you are and thank you all for your words of encouragement and telling me to go and have fun. The guilt of going was gone and I vowed to have fun.

At one point on the bus Donnie draws our attention to the lake we were passing. I looked out at the beauty of it all and I started to think of my family and felt some tears. I hid my face so no one would see. I did not want this trip to become about the fan who just lost her grandmother. I called home and heard the sadness in my mother's voice. I told her I had to go or I will start crying and someone will see me.

When the trip ended we arrive back at Boston, I start to feel the sadness. I walked off very slow and was last. I tried to hold back tears but as it became almost my time, I started to cry. One of the girls held me, she said her good-byes to Donnie and than told him to take care of me because I was awesome. Thank you sister! I love you! I turned to Donnie and said, no its okay, I just get a bit emotional at good-bye's The truth was and I would never reveal to Donnie was that the reality was hitting me of my grandmother's death. I was distracted for the last 24 hours and didn't have to think about it, but as soon as I got off that bus, I would have to deal with it. I managed to get my tears under control long enough to say my good-bye.

I wasn't really sure why I was crying. Truth is, my grandmother and I were not all that close. When I was little, she was mean to me, very mean. My mother even noticed it and she tried to protect me from her wrath. I'm not really blood related, her son married my mother and adopted me. I am his daughter, he is my dad, even if we don't share DNA. But my grandmother, didn't accept me. My brother was her baby and than when my mom and dad had their first child together, my younger sister became her baby too. I was left out and mentally abused. When I was old enough I didn't go to the family events with her there.

Than my brother died and she was miserable. I walked in to the house to find her crying, she looked up at me, grabbed me and held me while she cried. I didn't feel anything and thought she was just looking to be dramatic (as she was known to be.) Little did I know, she was begging my forgiveness that day.

My grandmother and I are very much alike, both stubborn and strong minded individuals. She held her family together for years, strong woman who overcame many obstacles, many that would kill most people. She was the matriarch of the family, and she ruled with an iron fist. Many feared her and she liked it that way. She was very controlling and had to have things her way or all hell would break lose. Except when it came to me. She couldn't control me. It was a power struggle and I felt I had won. I was okay with her hating me. I would not let her bring me down. She use to say I would amount to nothing, that I was a loser. I was most likly to drop out of school and get pregnant.

When I graduated college I invited her to my graduation party just so I can show her she was wrong. I made sure when I did have to be at family events with her there, I told her how successful I was. I graduated with a masters degree and I made sure I showed her that too. In your face, I thought. She thought I would amount to nothing and here I am proving her wrong. I thought I was okay with her hating me, I found peace and figured oh well can't win them all.

Today I didn't really think there was anything to say good-bye for. I thought maybe I need to forgive her, but I wasn't feeling compelled to even do that. I looked in on the funeral, hugged my parents but walked back out and distracted myself with twitter. I sat outside and people came out to talk for a minute. I had one excuse after the other why I didn't have to go in there. Finally, I walked in figured I should forgive her. I went up the casket, looked down but felt nothing. I said in my head "Yeah, okay, I forgive you." I walked over to my mother and asked her if I could go now and she said yes, of course. But I still didn't walk out. I felt there was still something to do but wasn't sure what. I was still a bit cocky despite my mother being so sweet telling me it was okay to leave. I walk over to my sister to hug her, tell her to call me if she needs me. We talked for a minute, joking around. Than she says something that will forever stay with me.

"You know when we went through grandma's stuff, she had all your graduation announcements and pictures in her book?" I was stunned, I said "What?" My sister continues, "Yeah, she saved it all, even that poem you wrote. She didn't even have my graduation pictures, just yours." Than the tears fell and my sister quickly got up and held me. I thought she hated me. My sister reassured me that not only did she love me, she was proud of my accomplishments. I couldn't stop crying as I realized all the years I spent not knowing that I actually had this woman's respect.

My sister walked me back over to the casket and this time, the feeling was real. I didn't just forgive, I made peace.

I felt closure and so was able to leave. I started to realize what an ego I have had with my grandmother. Truth is, after my brother died, she wasn't trying to control me anymore. She made peace a long time ago, but I didn't see it, I held onto the past. I felt guilty for not accepting her forgiveness and now I am the one who needed to be forgiven. The process continued and I had to let go my ego - yet again.

What my lesson was from this funeral was about ego and love. People may hurt us so much that we put up a wall and can't see when they change. I could argue that she should have said something but why couldn't I just love her. All my talk about loving everyone, including my haters and I wasn't even loving my grandmother.

It's hard to love when we put up a shield of ego. It's hard to see someone for what they have become when we don't forgive their past behavior. We justify it with the fact they have hurt us, many times, but whether they ask for it or not, its better for ourselves if we just go ahead and forgive them. Without it, we will never see them change or make peace.

My brother died 13 years ago. I wasted 13 years not allowing a relationship with my grandmother, a relationship she so desperately wanted but was too stubborn to ask for it. And I was too stubborn to see things any other way. Two stubborn mules.

Now she is at peace and I have made peace with her. Whose next? Who else do I hold grudges and don't even realize it anymore? Only way to find out is to let go of the ego.