Navigating the Love Game

Ah this elusive thing called love. Why must you play so hard to get? I was once in love, I mean really in love. We were going to get married. We had a child together and to see us together was sickening how cute we were. I was actually in a dying relationship when I met him. Even though my relationship was nearing its end, I still would not cheat to be with this new guy. So I finally put an end to it and started anew with who would soon become the true love of my life. I gave him my first born child and I thought we would always be together.

EHHHH! (that's the sound of the buzzer when you're wrong)

I was heartbroken that it ended and it would be a couple years before I could reenter the dating world. While I have dated many, I have yet to reenter another serious relationship such as that I had with my son's father. I am more mature now and I cannot hold him completely to blame for our failed relationship. I made some mistakes too. I just had to learn from them so I don't repeat them with future men.

Here I have my list of things I learned in my search. I hope it can help others as well as we navigate this complicated world of love.

Never misrepresent yourself online because the truth will be revealed when you meet in person
So reentering the dating world I got with the times and started online. I got my best picture, wrote my best profile and I posted it online. I also sought out some profiles myself that I would contact. I "met" several people this way. Very few did I want to continue and meet in person but of those I did, I was really only disappointed maybe once. Those I did not meet were because I got a feeling they were not who they said they were. Too many inconsistencies in what they say and too much hesitation from them. I'm lucky that I tend to get those feelings about those people early on so I can make those decisions. Had I ignored my instincts, I may have really been disappointed when meeting them. Likewise, I represented myself just as I am (at my best, of course) so that when they met me there were no disappointments. But if they were disappointed, it would be more due to their unrealistic expectations more than anything I would have said or done. That's not our problem and never take that personally so long as you know you were real. As for my profile picture, of course I'm going to display my best picture, DUH!


Don't necessarily dismiss what others have to say about person you are seeing
Most of us have been told to ignore what our friends and family say when it comes to a potential mate. Saying that they are just jealous and don't want you to be happy. While this may be true in some cases, in most cases I have found there was merit to what they had to say. They have the ability to look at the situation objectively while you may be blinded by your emotions. First think about your relationship with the person telling you. Have they always kept it real with you, had your best interest at heart? Than listen to them. Of course its true there may be things they don't understand so help them understand. Have they met the person they speak of yet? Introduce them. On the other hand, if your family/friend tends to be prejudgemental, I would take what they have to say with a grain of salt. I can tell my mother that I have been talking to a man who was in prison and she will ask me "Does he make you happy?" She doesn't judge him for being in prison, she gets to the heart of the matter. So if she were to meet him and than come back and tell me to watch out for him, I would listen. In the end, it is still up to you to decide what to do. Just don't totally discount what those around you who really do love you have to say. More times than not I have gone back to my mom or best friends saying "I should have listened to you."


Better be alone than unhappy
Too many latch on to the first person who will have them because they fear being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone and its a hell of a lot more pleasant than being with someone with whom you are unhappy. At least when you are alone you have the freedom to explore the possibilities and trust there are many. If you happen to be in a relationship and are not happy, either fix it or get the hell out. Life is too short to allow yourself to be stuck in a situation that doesn't bring you joy. Relationships do take work, I am not referring to the hard work you may have to endure to make it to that happy place. But if you keep doing the same thing and getting the same results, get the fuck out. Sorry, but this one irritates me the most because of how many people continue to stay and complain. If you want to stay, that's fine too, than just shut the fuck up about it, you made your decision. I have been there. I had a newborn baby, a mortgage, a car payment, daycare cost, lots of debt and a job that barely made ends meet. My son's father supplemented the rest of what I was short each month yet were still very tight. We depended on each other financially. But we were fighting all the time and just not happy. I finally had enough and realized there was no fixing our relationship and I wanted out. I asked him to leave. I knew I could not afford that house without him but I also couldn't afford to be so unhappy with a new baby who I was providing nurishment from my breast. I didn't know how I would survive but I knew as long as I was doing the right thing, life would lead me to a solution to help me through. Shortly after, I found out I could refinance my house to lower my payments. I was able to get child support for the daycare payments and my friend hooked me up with someone who needed to rent a room. I had a large 4 bedroom house and had the room. So I was able to finally survive financially until I was able to find another solution (make more money, which I did wind up doing later.) I share this story for those in relationships already. If you want out because you are not happy, trust that life will help you survive. If you are merely dating and not happy, don't assume it will get better. Don't even waste your time, get out and find someone new.


Don't assume a baby will make things better
A baby completely changes the dynamics of a relationship. What was once a happy union is flipped over on its head and challenged from another angle. If you are strong enough, you will surivive. But if there were ever any underlying issues that either of you kept sweeping under the rug, they will rear their ugly heads. Its easy to pretend everything is okay when you only have yourself to worry about but as soon as you add additional responsibility, the skeletons start jumping out of the closet. Especially when you are tired and don't get any sleep. And you can't just run off because you have a child to care for. I refer to the previous point, if you are not happy, fix it or get the hell out but PLEASE do not have a child assuming things will improve. I actually did not know we had problems until after the baby, but looking back I can see the red flags that I ignored. Learn from my mistakes, if you are thinking of having a baby think long and hard about the relationship as it stands now. You cannot predict what will happen exactly, but get a feeling for it and be honest with yourself. I myself have decided I am only interested in dating fathers because they already know about the changes that occur. This also allows me to gauge them as a father with their own children. If he is not caring for his own children, I am not interested in getting to know more. He may simply be reduced to my standby booty call list but no more. Which brings me to my next point.


Consider having a standby booty call list
This one is very delicate because women, unlike men, cannot always have an emotionally detached sexual relationship. We may have every intention of having one but than one day we wake up with the strange feeling in our heart. It's called longing and when you start longing for them, you are no longer detached. If he is detached emotionally than you are in trouble and need to get out to avoid any further pain. If you think you can handle it, than I would say consider that standby booty call list. This is that list of people you can call to come take care of business when you are feeling frustrated with the dating world. But don't try to date that person either, they are what they are as you should be to them as well. That's very important to remain honest and be sure you both have the same expectations of each other. When the duty is done, he should leave and you should go on with your dating life. Probably shouldn't mention this list to those you date either. Don't lie about it, but don't bring it up either. (If I'm dating you and you happened upon my blog, don't make any assumptions about whether or not I own such a list.)


Sex is a good thing but should not be the only thing
How soon to start having sex with someone is a personal choice and I wouldn't judge anyone either way. However, I will advise and say to get to know that person before you get naked. If you met naked for whatever reason, at least talk in the afterglow and get to know each other to decide if you want to continue. If your relationship is based on good sex yet you don't have anything in common, it won't last. Why waste your time? I think you already know what I have to say about this person -> move to Standby Booty Call list. Don't waste your efforts on someone with whom you do not see a future. Get back out there and look for the right one before you get too old no one wants to do you anymore. I met this guy once at a club. He was so fine, rock hard body, beautiful face. He was just perfect. I took him home and found out that perfection extended to the bedroom. There was just one problem, he was an idiot. He could barely string too words into a sentence together, talking to him was making my ears bleed. I just wanted him to shut up and do me. Yet he insisted on calling me to talk. I had to let him go. Now don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy but I got the impression once he was able to formulate a sentence that he was just looking for a sugar mama anyway. I'm too cute to be anybody's sugar mama.

Don't be anybody's sugar mama
Just don't. It's degrading and you deserve better. You deserve someone who chooses to love you and someone will. Love yourself and he will too. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you act insecure, they will feed it by making you feel wanted. But that same person will leave you should you one day rediscover your power and regain your confidence. If someone abuses you, set them straight or, depending on the severity, just get away from them. Don't let anyone ever let you believe that you need them. You don't need anybody to complete you, you should already be complete. Another person should only supplement your already existing happiness. Nuff said.


Be patient
Most importantly remain patient. Love is not something that can be rushed. My mother always tells me, if not this one, someone better. So always believe that, if things did not work out with someone you really liked, it just means something better is waiting for you. And if you feel the one you wanted is the best, can you imagine what that must mean for the one that IS meant for you? Amazing! Thats what!! Just have faith and believe that you really are meant to be happy. It's frustating, I know, I am right there with ya but oh there is so much out there to explore that it makes the journey fun.

(I think in my next blog I will discuss that what I have learned in the bedroom, that should be fun.)