This weekend I attended a yoga retreat in Ojai, CA for the 4th year in a row. Its become a tradition and am willing to sacrifice other wants in order to attend. This year, I had a feeling that this weekend would be different. I was going to go and give it my all, not hold back. In previous years, I would hold back and sometimes just go about the motions, but this time, there was no fear, no one else, just me.
The Yoga
In case you're wondering what a yoga retreat is, we do yoga. :) This particular one is led by Steve Ross of Maha Yoga in Santa Monica, CA and from the show Inhale on Oxygen network. We arrive Friday at 3pm and have our first intense yoga session that evening. The next one is Saturday morning, another that afternoon, and the final session Sunday morning. By Sunday, my body is ready to just give out - but never give up. I continued to push myself to the limits, to the point I felt like throwing up and than I dared my body to vomit - pushing myself harder and harder. I never did throw up but I did get further beyond my comfort zone. I learned that feeling of nauseousness was not a signal to stop but rather my body's way of marking my limit, now push just a bit passed that point. It's important to know that point so you don't push yourself to passing out which is counterproductive. By Sunday, I was pleasantly impressed with my progress. The exhaustion I felt on that final day I wore like a badge. Even while doing the yoga, there is a pose called warrior pose (actually two - warrior 1 and warrior 2) and as I held my arms out, I held my head high, like a warrior. If I felt like giving up, I just kept repeating to myself, "So long as I have my breathe, I am alive."
Chanting
Friday evening we chant. This is where I let myself go a little more each year. The first year, I didn't really sing from my heart but as I came to understand the deeper spiritual meaning of chanting, I started to sing a bit more until this year, I let myself go so far that I actually got up to dance (something I have never done with chanting). What's funny about that is that those who know me well, know I LOVE to dance so the fact I was too scared to dance may seem unbelievable but it had more to do with the purpose of the dance. Dancing and chanting for/to the Gods. I felt the stakes were higher and I didn't want to mess up. When I dance for fun, its not in a form that is suitable for the Gods, unless I call it a fertility ritual. ;) So for me to just allow my body to move without wanting to be sexy was a challenge for me. But it was all about letting go and suddenly started to understand and appreciate people who will give it their all dancing even when they can't really dance. I won't laugh at them anymore because, they are much more brave than me. They don't have to have knowledge of any form of dance to just let their bodies go in whatever direction they are feeling - no matter how silly it may look, they don't care. I became that person while when chanted. I let my body go in whatever direction it wanted.
Holotropic Breathing
This is something we do on the Saturday before our afternoon yoga. This is also something else I needed to really give myself to as my first time I didn't feel it at all. Google it to get the specifics but very basically it looks like hyperventilating but its controlled. We breathe in and out non stop and deep. We get to a point where we can coast and it starts to take on effects similar to hallucinogenic drugs, but without the dangers. I was getting visions while in this state, I won't get into specifics as its personal to me, but by the end of the hour of this practice, I sat still and cried. It was not a bad cry, it was a detoxing cry that needed to happen. Who says crying is bad anyway, we all need a good cry occasionally. I cried because I saw truth in my visions, things I had always known but refused to acknowledge. It didn't seem so scary anymore.
Facing Fears
We also get a couple hours free on Saturday to lounge by the pool as so many choose to do after beating our bodies senseless with yoga last couple days. I always consider hiking but was always scared because the first year someone told me they saw a rattlesnake on the trail. So I avoided the trail. Just to be honest, I have been to this estate before for a different retreat in the fall and I did hike this trail than because I was told no snakes are out when its cold. So I did know the trail and knew there were parts that were very narrow and snakes could be lurking beneath the rocks or in the grass. To say I was scared is an understatement, I was frightened. So I went through it in my head, what is my worst case scenario? Getting bitten or struck by a snake, than I would have to wobble my ass back to the house for the snake bite kit. Okay, cool, I can handle that. But I was still scared yet I did it anyway. Any little sound made me jump, I would pause near holes to make sure nothing came out of it, ran passed some sections that seemed questionable. By the time I made it to the end, I felt good! I outsmarted the snakes! Feeling indestructible now, there was a cliff from the last hike that I remember being so scared to climb due to my fear of heights and the danger it posed of falling off. I wanted to try it again this year. Again, I was frightened as I made my way up the trail along the side of the cliff that carefully wove its way to the top. I literally had to climb with my hands and feet as I got closer to the top. I didn't look up and I didn't look down, I just looked where I was at the moment and got through that. My legs were on fire and I wasn't sure I was going to make it, I could hardly breathe, but I didn't stop. As long as I have breathe, I have life. So I pushed myself through it and eventually made it to the top. The hard work was done but now the reality of where I was hit me and my heart raced faster as I noticed how high up I was staring down at certain death were I to fall. I inched myself close to the edge as all these thoughts raced through my head "what if a bird swoops by and scares me off the cliff. what if..." so I remembered my breathing and put a stop to those paralyzing thoughts. I made it to the edge and looked down, the fear that started in my heart had spread to my legs and other parts of my body. But I pushed passed it, got my look and backed away. Once I was satisfied I had faced my fear, I made my way back down. Only to take hit the trails with threat of a snake, but by now the fear just became a feeling that was background noise to my conviction.
All this in my one weekend of yoga. Yoga is not just a workout, its a lifestyle - a spiritual practice. So much more than what I can cover in this blog as I am still learning about it myself. It is a practice I have committed myself to and expect to continue to learn for the rest of my life. I didn't cover meditation specifically because truth is while I had dedicated times of sitting in meditation, the whole weekend was a practice in meditation as I performed each activity from Friday to Sunday with intention and in the moment.
Remember, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised, all we have is the present - right now, this moment right here.
I thank you for sharing in my adventure. Namaste.
No comments:
Post a Comment